I've got a new partner, but still can't resist my ex

My husband and I are midway through divorce. Things fell apart after 14 years when I found out he'd had a number of affairs.

Two years on, we've recovered the friendship, though we have separate homes and new relationships, and are fixing our settlement amicably.

So much so that the past two times we met to discuss things, we ended up in bed together — and the sex was fantastic.

I told my husband I thought we should give our relationship one last try, but he said we get on better the way things are. I can't concentrate on my new partner for thinking of my husband. What should I do?

Question: My husband and I have rekindled our sex life despite a divorce and my own new partner - what should I do?

The most telling thing about your letter is the way you refer to your ex as 'my husband' throughout.

True, your divorce may not yet be finalised, but you live apart and are dating other people, which makes him a firm and capitalised EX in my book. Yet clearly you still see yourself as being bound to the man you're busy divorcing. 

 

 

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Your husband sounds like the ultimate opportunist. He had 'a number of affairs' when you were married, and now he's happy to cheat on his new partner.

Moved by what happened between you in bed recently, you wanted to give the marriage a final try, but he immediately backed away. Indeed, his emotional response translates as: 'Nah, let's keep things casual.'

What chills me is that your ex doesn't have enough respect for your feelings to see that stringing you along like this is torturous.

He doesn't want you as a wife, but as a fun bit on the side. Nor does he show any consideration for your future happiness. He must be aware that he's fatally undermining your new relationship.

It's a classic trait of manipulative men to ensure women can't form deep roots with new partners, while failing to disappear from their lives or to commit to them. What you see as some sort of Cathy and Heathcliff-style eternal bond, your ex sees as an occasional, convenient tryst.

The other thing you need to bear in mind is that 'goodbye sex' is not that unusual. I know several women who had sex with their  soon-to-be-ex husbands while in the throes of divorce.

One friend said: 'I think it's similar to the way people have sex after funerals. You feel so sad that your marriage hasn't survived that it's like a small death and you try to comfort one another. All that weeping and hugging can easily lead to the bedroom.'

Another woman said: 'You don't necessarily stop fancying one another because you get divorced. My husband was unreasonable and could be cruel as hell, but he's never stopped being sexy.'

This explains why the Meryl Streep film It's Complicated (in which Streep's character has an affair with her incorrigible former husband, played by Alec Baldwin) was such a hit.

Many viewers recognised how easy it would be to slip into bed with your former spouse. Furthermore, two exes in that situation can be spurred on by the jealous knowledge they've both found new loves.

This takes me to the other thing that concerns me about your letter: the absence of any meaningful reference to your new partner. You show no remorse at cheating on him, even though you were devastated when your husband treated you in a similar manner.

It appears as if he's merely a pawn in the game between you and your former husband — someone who exists merely for you to prove to your ex that other men find you attractive. But if you were not dwelling on the 'fantastic' sex you have had with your ex, you could be putting all your energy into having the same with your new man.

Furthermore, if your boyfriend finds out what has happened, I imagine he would end the relationship. Every lover loathes and fears the ghost of an ex at the table.

Until you make a proper break with your ex, you will be in limbo.