She loves him and he treats her orphaned daughter kindly, but their families refuse to let them marry

 

I have fallen deeply in love with a very good man, but his family vehemently reject me. The first reason for their rejection is that I was married before and I have a daughter. The other reason is that I previously tricked them with a big lie but now I am trying to make up for that lie, and I pray that Allaah will forgive me and that they will forgive me. Now, praise be to Allaah, I have started to adhere to Islam more, and I have started to wear niqaab and memorize Qur’aan, praise be to Allaah.


My question now is: is our marriage valid without his family’s agreement? Is his marriage to me considered to be disobedience towards them? Even though we love one another very much, and I acknowledge, praise be to Allaah, that this person has changed me a lot and made me more religious.


Is it permissible for me to get married without the consent of a wali (guardian), because my father is insisting that this man’s family must agree to the marriage before he gives his consent, otherwise he will refuse to allow this marriage so long as this man’s family refuse to agree to it. Please note that my father ignores me and rarely asks about me, and this man – may Allaah reward him with good – is the one who is taking care of me and my daughter, giving me love and security and taking the place, for my daughter, of her dead father. He gives her the love and care that her own family does not give her. My daughter and I are in great need of his love and care towards us. I hope that you can advise us. Thank you very much.

Praise be to Allaah.
 

 

Your question, may Allaah bless you, raises a number of
issues, some of which are mentioned in the question and some to which
attention must be drawn. 

One of the issues raised in the question is that you ask
about having your father’s agreement. You have to realize that sharee’ah
stipulates that there must be a wali (guardian) in order for the marriage
contract to be valid, because there is a great deal of evidence to that
effect, such as the hadeeth in which the Prophet (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no (valid) nikaah (marriage) without
a wali (guardian).” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1101; Abu Dawood, 2085; Ibn
Maajah, 1881. It is saheeh as stated in Irwa’ al-Ghaleel by
al-Albaani, 6/235). 

There is great wisdom in what Allaah has prescribed by
stipulating that there must be a wali. For example, the basic principle is
that men are more perfect in reason, and have more understanding of where
interests lie and they have more insight into the circumstances of men and
what is suitable for a woman, and they are more able to take decisions,
especially since a woman may be overwhelmed and swayed by her emotions. If
we assume that there is some fault in the wali that make him unqualified to
take responsibility for the woman under his guardianship, or he is
preventing her from getting married to a compatible man with no legitimate
shar’i reason, then guardianship passes to the next in line, for example
from the father to the grandfather. (For more detailed information in this
issue, please see Question no. 7193). 

With regard to his family’s approval, this is not a necessary
condition for the marriage to be valid, because the man is his own wali, so
his marriage does not require the agreement of his family. They have no
right to prevent him from marrying for no legitimate shar’i reason. His
concern about their approval, especially his parents, is a good thing, and
he may gain their approval by treating his parents well and doing whatever
he can to make them agree to his choice, and seeking the help of Allaah in
that by making du’aa’, debating with them in a polite manner, and seeking to
convince them in gentle ways.  

We are happy to congratulate you for Allaah’s blessing in
enabling you to wear correct Islamic hijaab and to memorize His Holy Book.
We ask Allaah to make us and you among those who act in accordance with it. 

We would like to draw your attention to what you mention in
your question about “falling deeply in love”, “we love one another very
much”, “he gives us love” and “My daughter and I are in great need of his
love and care towards us”. You have to realize that both Muslim men and
Muslim woman must protect themselves against the things that may lead to
forming an emotional attachment to someone who is not a spouse, whilst
accepting that people may not be able to have full control over their
emotions. But there are many things that a person may do that may lead to
such attachments, and these are the things which are forbidden. For example,
chat between a man and woman to converse, which may provoke these emotions
and desires. Repeated visits are also forbidden. The Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Beware of entering upon women.”
(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4934; Muslim, 2172). These things are forbidden in
order to close the door to things that may develop from them. The wisdom
behind this is that it prevents the formation of an emotional attachment to
a person whom it may not be easy to marry, which would result in heartache
for both parties, examples of which are well known, both ancient and
modern.  This may also distract the heart from things which are obligatory,
namely loving and obeying Allaah. Ibn al-Qayyim spoke of the damage caused
by such attachments in some of his books, such as al-Daa’ wa’l-Dawa’,
and Ighaathat al-Lahfaan, which are worth reading. You can also refer
to Question no. 9465. 

What we advise you to
do, since Allaah has enabled you to wear the hijaab, is to complete the
hijaab of cloth with the hijaab of the heart by taking an impartial look at
the relationship you have with him now, and keeping away from everything
that could make you form an emotional attachment to him, such as speaking to
him, letting him visit you and your daughter, etc, which are haraam or
nearly haraam. He, since according to what you say he is religious, should
keep even further away from such things, lest the Shaytaan intervene between
the two of you. 

With regard to his kindness towards your daughter, we ask
Allaah to reward him for that, but that should not result in any haraam
action, such as his entering upon you when there is no one else apart from
your daughter with you, because her being with you does not cancel out the
fact that you are alone together in the haraam way which the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) warned against when he said: “No
man is alone with a (non-mahram) woman but the Shaytaan is the third one
present.” (Narrated by Ahmad and by al-Tirmidhi in his Sunan, 2091;
see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, 2546). See also Question no. 2986. 

With regard to your hopes for marriage to him, we advise you
to do a number of things: 

1.    
Pray istikhaarah a great deal
until your Lord chooses for you that which is in your best interests in this
world and in the Hereafter. To learn how to pray istikhaarah, please see
question no. 2217.

2.    
Avoid the things mentioned here
that may create an emotional attachment, because the most important means of
attaining what one wants is adhering to sharee’ah and keeping within its
limits. 

3.    
Strive to reduce the intensity
of love referred to in the question by understanding the dangers involved,
and focus your heart on Allaah and on pondering the meanings of His words
with which Allaah has adorned your heart by enabling you to memorize them.

4.    
Try to get closer to your
father, treat him kindly and strive to honour him. Perhaps that will soften
his heart and make him want to do that which will bring you happiness and
stability.

5.    
Apologize to the man’s family
and interact with them in a way that will show them that you regret what you
did to them. Perhaps Allaah will open their hearts to this marriage, which
will make it easier for your father to accept the idea.

6.    
Prepare yourself to accept what
Allaah has decreed – even if it is not what you would like – by being
prepared for the worst case scenario, such as not being able to get married
at all, because when you accept the worst case scenario, it loses its power
to shock you, which may lead to frustration or loss of faith, or thinking
negatively of Allaah and His wisdom.

7.    
Strive to give this orphan whom
Allaah has placed in your care an Islamic upbringing, and treat her kindly,
for in bringing up and sponsoring an orphan there is great reward which may
be the means of bringing blessings to you and divine help in all your
affairs. 

We ask Allaah to perfect His blessings upon you and to make
faith steadfast in your heart and to help you to do all that is good. May He
make this marriage easy if it is good for both of you, and may He guide us
all to the straight path. May Allaah send blessings and peace upon our
Prophet Muhammad and upon his family.